"If one were to have a leech in one's nose, what would one do?"

Hypothetical questions like these are not really questions, they’re pleas for help.

Wading through undergrowth in a tropical forest in Madagascar is not an ideal place to have invertebrates wandering ones orifices. But there I was, standing in the middle of the forest, wide-eyed, feeling the rubbery black creature negotiate my nose hairs. The panic welled inside me and I longed for a deep breath, but the thought of inhaling the thing made me want to stop breathing altogether. A drop of blood fell on my lip; the bug had found purchase. In a bold, last-ditch-effort, I pushed on my left nostril with my finger and blow hard out my right. Some blood, a little snot... and a big glossy leech flew out into the rainforest leaf litter.

Even as I congratulated myself, I could feel another, more tenacious leech wiggling somewhere inside my head. In my desperation, taking medical advice from my tri-toothed guide didn’t seem like a bad idea. In faltering English he recommended I dab tobacco inside my nose, which would keep my sinuses leech free for the remainder of the hike. Taking the advice as a folky cure-all, I snatched his can of tobacco and plugged both nostrils. I immediately felt dizzy and nauseas as the nicotine rushed through my virginal system. As I hugged a tree for stability, I felt the remaining leech charge upward from my nose toward my sinus. "Probably running away from the tobacco," my guide helpfully added.

Within 12 hours the leech had run its course, traveling the length of my nose, then sinus, to my throat. Coughing and gagging, I woke up in the middle of the night and promptly swallowed the remaining leach.

Most of Madagascar's wildlife is found nowhere else on earth. Thank God!